It seems there’s a flaw in the great mess that is our fine English language; there is no word to describe the way I feel in this moment.
It’s understood that, when making a leap such as this, the emotion exists. I imagine many a person has stood in a church corridor, waiting to say “I do,” and felt quite similar. So many who have shipped off to their first tour as a soldier have felt this in excess. The player preparing for his first major league game, the soon-to-be-freshman walking into orientation, and the kid going in for that first big kiss have all felt it as well.
And here I am, feeling it exuding from every pore of my body and mind. This feeling falls at a 90 degree angle to joy, fear, anxiety, and numbness. There’s elements of each, yet it finds itself to be something else entirely.
And it is how I feel now.
Tomorrow, everything changes.
I won’t come back the same. I feel it in my core that after we leave, there’s no turning back. My life is altered at its base, and either for better or worse, all depending on me. All depending on me.
On a less abstract note, I’ll say that we’ll be gone for 15 days. Each of those days that I’m able, I will write. It won’t be much; mostly a recap, a story, something worth sharing. We’ll be very active on Snapchat, and somewhat on Facebook, Twitter, and Insta. It’s going to be an insane and busy two weeks.
Something like all of this makes a person very reflective. I wish I could tell you every story that’s come to mind in the past week. Every shadow parses a memory to my eyes. Some times it hits so strong you wonder if you’re dreaming or if you only wish you were.
What I’m trying to say is this: LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE.
Don’t we understand that? Don’t we know that this is what life is and is to be? Don’t sit. Don’t stop. Stationary should be a word to describe paper, not you. Love, and love what it is you love.
Stop being afraid. It’s going to be scary. Does that make it less worth while?
I’ve learned a lot in this year, being primarily focused on this project. I’d lie to say all of it was positive. The world is big and terrifying, and things don’t work out the way you want it to
all of most of the time. Do those things anyway, because they will work in the end.
I know this is all very disjointed. I’m probably in no state to write, but I can’t not write right now. It’s late and I’m feeling whichever way I’m feeling and I’ve so many thoughts I want you to understand, but it’s something I can’t express right now.
And THAT is why we’re making a film, for the many who’ve asked.
I want to explain myself. I want to show what I’ve seen, what I know, who I’ve met, and make sense of this thing we call life. I need to show, I need to tell. What I can’t do in words, I strive to do in pictures. I only ask that you bear with me until that point.
There it is.
It just came to me (seriously, this is really just stream of consciousness anyway.)
There is a word for what I feel, what I’ve felt for nearly a whole year. A word for what drives me, wakes me, calms me, infuriates me, confuses me, opens me, closes me.
Three words; a phrase.
“Thrift Store Symphony”
Ask me about it.
“Could Have Been Me” – The Struts
“Rollercoaster” – Bleachers
“Call It Like It Is” – Go Down Moses
“I Go To Extremes” – Billy Joel
“Breaking Up My Bones” – Vinyl Theatre